7 posts tagged “angst”

Literally terrified sick.

Gary's second external drive failed last night. Not a huge problem - everything was backed up to his first external which is also his backup drive. So, it sucks, but it's not a huge problem, and we can afford to wait on it until we can actually afford a drive.

last night was okay for a while. I felt like meh, but I got banners done for everyone. and when I was done with that, I went and had a short shower. by that time I was completely worn out, so I crawled into bed after drying off. somehow it got to 5am without me managing to fall asleep completely. I heard this "maaaaahm" noise outside.. went to look outside but didn't see anyone. it sounded exactly like someone calling "mom! mommmm!", so I assumed one of the kids upstairs was having a nightmare and sat down at the computer for a second.. don't know why. Heard it again, and it was closer.. sounded like it was right outside. I threw on a blanket and looked outside again. There was a huge orange tabby out my window yowling at me. I opened the back door thinking it was Emma (the neighbor cat) who got out again. Kitty finally came in and I grabbed her by the collar (had to do this part twice) and quickly shut the door shut behind her so she couldn't get back out. she scratched me up pretty badly. I currently have 6 bandages on my right hand.. oddly, none elsewhere except my knee, and that was from me falling and scraping my knee earlier in the night. :P

So after getting the cat in she continued to yowl and yowl and yowl while I was trying to get bandaged up (I was bleeding fairly profusely). Poor husband was trying to sleep and just covered his head in blanket while I tried to quiet her.  I feel bad for the husband.. at least he got to bed early though.

Finally got the cat into the bathroom, got her some water and my leftover chicken sandwich (she didn't want either..), sat down with my phone, and tried calling the owners. ..... circut busy. how can the circut be busy? it's 5 in the fracking morning!.. try again. circut busy. ugh! tried to pet her and calm her down.. she was happy, crawled into my lap for a minute, purr purr purr. she started walking around the room, tried to get into the cleaning supplies.. started purring again after I pet her again, and did the slightest flick of her tail (iirc) and the tall freestanding mirror came shattering down. fortunately neither she or I were hurt.. but poor Gary certainly didn't have any rest until 6. after that and calling the humane society to find out that they do NOT open until 10 for some stupid reason, I decided to take her over to Crystal's house and see if she could take her for the night (Crystal is already rooming 4 cats, so she's much better equipped than me to take care of a cat) after knocking on the door three times and getting no answer, I walked away with kitty, intending to take her back home. kitty decided she didn't like me and squirmed like mad, and got free. and then ran away, and then came back and decidedly ignored me. I walked back home in my zoris in the slush, and cleaned up the glass, and crawled back into bed. She came back twice, but didn't stay long enough that I could have tossed some clothes on and come out, and I think Gary would have killed me if I brought her back in any way.

I get the feeling this week hates me. glad it's almost saturday.

or does it seem like everyone who "loves" me makes no effort to figure things out with me before going off elsewhere? 

mediation today. worked great except for one problem person. vented in a private post on another journal. don't feel better. not sure why it's affecting me so much. in other news, I had an ok shower, and the day leading up to tonight was... okay. well, good, until crazy neighbor came over. she thinks people are hacking into her computer and printing things on her cds. she doesn't have a printer. she thinks that the labels that have always been on the CDs were from hacking in and printing. she is.. so bad. ugh. in worse news, I had a migrane throughout the mediation, and it's not even completely gone now, it's just down to a dull roar. I've noticed I'm completely tense when I sleep lately.. I'll relax my muscles, and then notice two minutes later that I'm tense again and my neck hurts. I also am irritated because I got out of the mediation, and then someone (I... shouldn't say who) started yelling at me for not talking and said I was weak because I couldn't control my voice and .. yeah, that was great. it seems to be a trend, too. I don't know why. and I feel bad for mentioning it, but then I also can't not mention it, so I feel like crap either way I go. and I'm terribly lonely. lehsa went to bed around 2, and Gary went to bed shortly after, so it's just me and my feeling icky.. I hate it when I get feeling like this. it's *always* because of conflict, and I *always* feel like it's never going to end. I can hardly eat, and I feel neseaus, and  I'm clingy as all hell, which doesn't work well since Gary has to work tommorrow. so to sum up today: blar.

oh, and I found out my mom is going in for surgery soon. they're doing open abdominal to remove at least one ovary. She can't have hormone therapy because of her cancer treatments from before, so they're trying to not have to remove the other one, since that would force them to do hormone therapy. I'm nervous - mom has always been sick, but I guess I'm afraid because this is the first time that I can remember her having a major surgery in my life time, and I know it sounds stupid, but she says I'm.. almost what keeps her here and alive. I'm afraid that now that I don't need her as much, she'll die... I know it's stupid, but things like this come to mind when you don't talk to your mother for two weeks at a time when you normally talk to her every day. I'm thinking about going down to portland when she has the surgery..

I just know that everything is messed up right now. everything is all topsy turvy, and I literally am having trouble breathing because I'm so nervous. :-\

well, I'm going to go try and eat something and play with puppies to make myself feel better... here's hoping it works. =(

So, I'm noticing a bit of a trend here. It's been gnawing on my mind for about a week.

I really seem to piss people off without trying.

I don't know how, but it's starting to get to me. I do not like conflict. It seems to have started with my sister, spread to my husband, and now random artists on DA are starting to get uppity to me. I am really not trying to attract this, I swear!

I think I know where it started with the husband. He snores. He snores and it is fucking annoying. He snores when I'm trying to work. He snores when I'm trying to sleep. I've been noticing it for a few months now. and he's not doing anything about it.  Granted, it's not like he can see a doctor about it - we're fairly poor, and can't afford health insurance. But that doesn't make it any less annoying when I'm trying to concentrate on.. say.. a blog post (yes, he's snoring now). So that has led to constant frustration, which has led to sniping.. which is really very sad. we've never fought before. This single flake has started a miniature avalanche of resentment. Now I find myself angry at him for one thing or another almost constantly.. which isn't healthy for me, him, OR the relationship.

 The sister was an entirely different story. I was talking to her one day, and asked if she was taking Greek this semester. You see, she is almost always miserable when doing her Greek homework, so I was hoping she didn't have to take it again this semester. She replied that she was, but it was the last semester. I replied that at least she was almost done with the evil thing. Which she decided to take and run with.. Telling me I obviously thought that those who learned for the sake of learning, and learning itself, was evil. Let me point one thing out: Learning is my life. I would be dead if it weren't for the fact that I learn for the sake of learning. She's known me for four years, she should know this. And then she goes and slings the most unimaginable insult at me? I was so angry I could hardly talk. then she accuses me of blowing up at her. that was probably about two weeks ago. We just started talking today. She still hasn't taken it back, though... Which is going to have to happen if I'm going to talk to her again.

 The artists.. I don't know what the hell is going on there. Joumana got pissy at me for sending her a link to a neat webcam. She said, in that cold tone she manages, that I should not send her any links "like that", especially by notes. As if I send her things all the time! I've only ever sent her three or four things by notes, and that was over the course of the last year. one of them was offering to help her pay for the cost to restore her bloody hard drive! So that was entirely unprovoked. I've also noticed (from reading some comments on her journals etc) that she's getting incredibly pissy at everyone else, too. Geesh, I know you've been told to back up your HD before, but if you're enough of a fucking idiot to not do backups when you're a working artist, then wow. If you don't want to hear it any more, don't start bitching at people about it in your comment. Just delete the damn comment! You're a subscriber, you can see your comments in your message center. That's what it's for.
 This is sad though, because I really admire Joumana as an artist. She does really incredible cultural reference work, She's constantly pressing the boundaries of what she knows/does, and she's just an all around really great artist. it's terrible to see someone you admire so much turn on the people who support her. I was honestly tempted to write her about it.. She doesn't seem like the sort who LIKES to be pissy.. but after seeing all the comments and such.. I just don't know. I also thought about unwatching her, but she does such wonderful work, and I'm addicted to her comic. Then again, I suppose I could unwatch her and just make a bookmark. *sigh*

 There was another artist who was being pissy at me today, but  I can't remember who.. hmm.. I guess that's a good sign. Oh, yeah. it was more someone just not understanding why I do something though, so that's fine. (a friend of mine was trying to get me to delete everything on my watch list and cull my friends list on DA.. I kept trying to explain that even though I have a backlog, I still watch these people and at least look at their art because they're good artists that I want to support, and am genuinely interested in their art.

 So, to those artists who (will undoubtedly never read this post) are incredibly Froody, and generally don't lose their temper at the public, and who produce great art, and who support lesser artists than themselves (like me!), THANK YOU. This means you Hibbary and Ursula!

entertainingly, the husband has stopped snoring. ;)
time for bed!